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Even as a child, Zoraya ter Beek had a persistent wish to die. Growing up in the quaint Dutch town of Oldenzaal, she never felt as if she fit in. At the age of 21, she was diagnosed with autism; a year later, she started wearing a \u201CDo Not Resuscitate\u201D tag around her neck. Last Wednesday, her wish was finally granted: after a three-year wait, Zoraya ended her life through physician-assisted suicide. She had just turned 29.
I got to know Zoraya while investigating the \u201Cright-to-die\u201D movement sweeping the West, for a story published in The Free Press on April 1. When I first started speaking to her, she was awaiting final approval for euthanasia, which is legal in the Netherlands if the patient is deemed to be experiencing \u201Cunbearable suffering with no prospect of improvement.\u201D
\u201CFor me, autism is the major hiccup in my life. That bothers me the most,\u201D Zoraya told me. As a child she was bullied a lot at school. She took to dressing as a goth to make herself seem scarier.
\u201CThe whole black look looked right, because that is how I felt on the inside,\u201D she said.
Zoraya\u2019s sense of humor could be dark. She struggled with mental illness: depression, anxiety, and an unspecified personality disorder. But during our conversations\u2014which took place over the course of a month, on the phone and on WhatsApp\u2014she came across as an intelligent, articulate, and confident young woman.
Zoraya received little or no support from her family. When she turned 18, she moved out of her childhood home to live with her boyfriend, Stein. He was ten years older than her, and her parents didn\u2019t approve of the age difference. When I first contacted her, Zoraya had been estranged from her mother and three older sisters for six years. Her father died last year from cancer.
As a young adult, Zoraya felt unable to study, or embark on a career. She told me Stein, who is an IT programmer, was worried about how she felt, and encouraged her to get therapy. Over the course of a decade, she tried everything to relieve the symptoms of her mental illness\u2014including, at last, 33 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy, where electric currents jolt the brain.
Zoraya\u2019s last treatment was in August 2020, after which she says her psychiatrist told her: \u201CThere\u2019s nothing more we can do for you. It\u2019s never going to get any better.\u201D
\u201CAfter we heard that, we all kind of knew what that meant,\u201D Zoraya told me, referring not only to herself but her boyfriend, her friends, and her doctors. \u201CI was always very clear: if it doesn\u2019t get better, I can\u2019t do this.\u201D
That\u2019s when she decided she wanted to apply to die.
Zoraya submitted her application to the Netherlands\u2019 Euthanasia Expertise Center in December 2020. The waiting list was long, but by the time I spoke to her, Zoraya was fairly confident she would get final approval. She seemed to feel a sense of accomplishment\u2014and gratitude to those who had helped her. \u201CMy whole friends and my support system, we really did it together.\u201D
Zoraya wanted to support others in making the same decision as her. She saw herself as an advocate, almost an ambassador, for the Dutch euthanasia regime. (And that\u2019s how she\u2019s being portrayed in some quarters of the Dutch media, too.) She was firmly convinced that the Dutch state had put in place all the necessary safeguards to prevent the system from being abused.
\u201CI have faith in the law,\u201D Zoraya said.
Some right-to-die advocates in the Netherlands argue that the law should be updated, to allow people to seek assisted dying without prior medical intervention\u2014or the approval of the state. One advocacy group, Co\u00F6peratie Laatste Wil or Last Wish Cooperative, wants to make \u201Csuicide kits\u201D widely available as a humane way to die\u2014for those who are waiting for, or have been denied, state-sanctioned euthanasia.
Zoraya was against this.
\u201CI\u2019m pro-death. But we need to be careful to protect people who\u2019re in psychosis or depressed and not thinking straight,\u201D she told me.
\u201CIf you go on the suicide kit road, you don\u2019t know if somebody, maybe with the right help, could have chosen to live,\u201D Zoraya said.
Zoraya\u2019s best friend committed suicide at the age of 16 by jumping in front of a train. She, like Zoraya, had been bullied at school, and had been battling depression and anxiety. But, perhaps with some intervention, Zoraya thought, her friend might have been persuaded not to commit suicide.
Couldn\u2019t the same be said of her? I asked. Couldn\u2019t it be argued that her decision to end her life was her depression talking?
\u201CThat\u2019s the beauty, because our law requires that doctors test that you\u2019ve made a rational decision,\u201D Zoraya replied. \u201CDoctors have to test: Is my choice rational, or is it my illness talking?\u201D
Earlier this month, she told The Guardian: \u201CPeople think that when you\u2019re mentally ill, you can\u2019t think straight, which is insulting.\u201D
\u201CIn the Netherlands,\u201D she added, \u201Cwe\u2019ve had this law for more than 20 years. There are really strict rules, and it\u2019s really safe.\u201D
Zoraya had great faith in not only the law but also the medical profession.
\u201CDoctors want to help people feel better,\u201D she told me. \u201CDoctors don\u2019t become doctors to kill people, even if that\u2019s what you\u2019re wishing for.\u201D
Nevertheless, Zoraya had a plan B\u2014or, as she called it, an \u201Cescape plan\u201D\u2014in case her application didn\u2019t get final approval. It was a suicide kit, which she told me she\u2019d obtained from Exit International, an NGO that advocates for the legalization of voluntary euthanasia.
In the end, she didn\u2019t need it. Zoraya had hoped to be euthanized on her birthday, May 2. But there had been some last-minute bureaucratic delays. Nevertheless, her assisted suicide was approved a couple of weeks ago.
The news has resonated with people who have experienced struggles similar to Zoraya\u2019s. \u201CThis broke a part of me,\u201D said one person on Reddit, who often posts about having suicidal thoughts. \u201CWhat if getting better is not possible. What if I should just die today?\u201D
Another poster wrote: \u201Cthis has left me terrified cuz I\u2019m autistic myself and I\u2019m scared...my brain is thinking, \u2018is it going to be a guaranteed ending for me and other autistic women? I don\u2019t want that, though! I like my life... this is scary!\u2019\u2009\u201D
The fact is an increasing number of people suffering from mental illness in the Netherlands are choosing to end their lives. Zoraya is right that the assisted dying law has been around for years, but even as recently as 2010, there were only two recorded cases of medically assisted suicide that involved psychiatric suffering. Last year, there were 138.
I told Zoraya more than once that I understood her suffering, but hoped she wouldn\u2019t go through with her decision to kill herself. It was hard to hear the news that she had died\u2014that the society in which she lived had given up on a young person who had so much to live for and so many years ahead.
Zoraya told me she didn\u2019t want a funeral, because she didn\u2019t think her friends would want to say goodbye. But she did want her boyfriend to be with her at the end. When I spoke to her, she described how she wanted to die:
I will take my place on the couch. [The doctor] will once again ask if I am sure, and she will start up the procedure and wish me a good journey. Or, in my case, a nice nap, because I hate it if people say, \u201CSafe journey.\u201D I\u2019m not going anywhere.
On Wednesday, a friend of hers posted an announcement on X: \u201CZoraya passed away today at 1:25 p.m. Or as she saw it herself: she went to sleep.\u201D
Few details of her death have been reported\u2014except that her boyfriend was at her side.
Rupa Subramanya is a reporter for The Free Press. Follow her on X @rupasubramanya, and read her first report on Zoraya ter Beek, \u201CI\u2019m 28. And I\u2019m Scheduled to Die in May.\u201D
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